|Monday, January 9th, 2012|
|saved draft and I'm not here anymore really...
I've deflated down to bare bones and pure ego
i basically bailed on just being because happiness is just too easy
when things are good they are at their worst
but happiness isnt easy killing the ego how does one go about killing a part of themselves that is just a hair younger?
to just be is something almost alien and foreign to me now.
it just is a bundle or cluster of energies called emotion and I'm mostly stoic but not anymore
I feel like a mess and will be glad to get past all of this
whatever this is
I am writing here a draft that was probably years old at the time of writing. I think I can say it has been something like 5 years at this point.
anyway I've kind of relocated ish I guess to
|Saturday, February 28th, 2009|
|I am relocating
my writing to a journal that is more for me and also for writing/drawings...
the address is
|Tuesday, February 17th, 2009|
|song lyrics post. everybody does it
You make that dance look so new
And I'm in awe
A face like you've never seen
I'm yours tonight
So come on
Light the stage
So we can all take off
We'll never come back
You wear that cast so cool
And I'm in awe
A face like you've never seen before
So come on, yeah
Light the stage
So we can all take off
We'll never come back
Lie on the stage
You picture all of us everywhere
We'll never come back
|Sunday, February 15th, 2009|
|I bought stillness speaks
and i have trouble with this part.
I can feel the life in my but how one is supposed to just let it be still
to be one with the universe be like a flower. but also the same lesson is in 3 ninjas. a ninja is like a flower...
things and stuff
valentines day is over.
I dont even really know when I am thinking anymore... let alone WHAT I am thinking...
what am i thinking??
|Sunday, February 8th, 2009|
|Sunday, February 1st, 2009|
|everything you know is
^^^ this is not shopped.
anyway wikitripping i discovered something... there are over 1200 kinds of watermelon. I've eaten... AT MOST 3 kinds. this made me decide that I nao want to grow one or a few to try them the first one will be
a moon and stars watermelon...
after I plant it I will keep you posted on how it's lookin! Current Mood: wooooooooo
|Tuesday, January 27th, 2009|
|Friday, January 23rd, 2009|
|why do you care
why care about anything...
why so much hate
the color of my skin defines me as a person!?
the music? clothes? language? the car I drive... what?
so before I even open my mouth I am judged... yes I'm smoking... so automatically I am what to you?
there's a rage building inside of this
I care... but starting to figure out why... why do I care? because I see you do it? because it's the right
fuck no. fuck that.
I care and time and again I get drained and left behind. not anymore
why when someone treats me kindly do I question it? why is it that I can give and when someone gives to me I feel awkward? why dont I say I love you?
"you've met me at a strange time in my life."
Isn't life strange period? I mean look at it
you wake up on a slab of material covered in material. get up stretch and either take off clothes to put on different ones. or put on clothes (for those of us who sleep nekkid)
you then get in a machine powered by something people kill each other for. It might as well be power by blood.
you then go to your job where you sit at a desk, run around helping other people buy things for their houses full of stuff, or you drive more machines, dig holes, build things, heal people... whatever you do...
it's to get this piece of paper that says you have this many moar pieces of paper... and with this paper you can buy stuff... for you house, for your machine... or buy more machines... nothing is ever loud enough anymore...
not the music
not the drive
not the conversation
not the hot water spraying in my face
not the sound of a lover breathing
not the sound of a keyboard clicking
not the sound of people dying everyday having lived one of these non lives
not you shouting at me that I am a sinner and a failure
all of it is but a hum to the thrumming of anger and creation swirling around in my head like a boiling sea
I will create. I will not stop. you dont matter, I dont matter... dreams matter humanity matters.. the colony matters not but the queen must live. what's the queen for humanity?
Peace, love, unity and respect... it's made up by stupid drugs kids... but amybe that's what the world needs... MDMA administered through the water... surely the goverment has enough to put everyone on a tiny roll/buzz... things could be differnt
problem: they wont be... not until people start waking the fuck up.
Me? I think I have one eye open... still fuzzy headed... but I'm not really too asleep anymore
|Saturday, January 17th, 2009|
|I am sick of
this mediocrity of my life.
I went to school, I got sick... I still owe approx 30K... sighs
anyway I am doing alot of work for less than I'd like which is a part of life
but I am realizing that I have a pretty hard time doing what I want me moi yo... heh sounds chinese almost
me moi yo!
but yea... I cannot say no to my mother or other people who ask favors of me it is draining me away...
even the interwebs told me to chill as far as that is concerned
voila... no to put it all into practice...
|Sunday, January 11th, 2009|
|Flood : Tool
Here comes the water.
All I knew and all I believed
are crumbling images
that no longer comfort me.
I scramble to reach higher ground,
some order and sanity,
or something to comfort me.
So I take what is mine,and hold what is mine,
suffocate what is mine, and bury what's mine.
Soon the water will come
and claim what is mine.
I must leave it behind,
and climb to a new place now.
This ground is not the rock I thought it to be.
Thought I was high, and free.
I thought I was there
I was wrong.
This changes everything.
The water is rising up on me.
Thought the sun would come deliver me,
but the truth has come to punish me instead.
The ground is breaking down right under me.
Cleanse and purge me
in the water.
|Wednesday, December 31st, 2008|
|Tuesday, December 30th, 2008|
|something tells me
I will lose it all...
unless I write it all down faster... and faster I need to really focus myself and get crackin on this writing business if I want it to take off
srsly you guys...
I saw twilight... it was dildos... and a half
Explosions, Eva Mendez's bum, Samuel L., funny lackeys, throwing manhole covers, guns! guns! guns!, bad guy explodes, extended fight scenes
Vampires, people were pretty, bad guy gets dismembered BY HAND
sin city knock off that couldnt decide if it was like Sin city or not, PG13 rated prevented us from seeing some gore and fun stuff like bones sticking out of broken limbs, Samuel L didnt get to say Muthafucka... not even once.
I couldnt stop yawning at the end, took place in high school, it's a chick flick... VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE Fairies sparkle...
teh end. over all though I enjoyed both pretty well :-p
|Friday, December 26th, 2008|
|Wednesday, December 24th, 2008|
|I really really
dont like you guys. in there. you drive me nuts... not to mention how it distracts from living my real
anyway I thought writing would help me get somewhere with this...
|Sunday, December 14th, 2008|
|a real entry
I am a whore...
even people who do not know me in real life have referenced this.
so what does it all mean.
I try loving everything and everyone and it comes off as being too eager to please. but in reality I want happeh for everyone.
I am full of hate.
the hate is the hate for people not hasing the happeh not the person. I've learned there are lost causes...
people have fallen out. some have been more tenacious and clung... I dont even really feel that close to my 'best friend' I question what even makes us best friends... we've known each other so long? that's about it... I'd think. we know each other... but how well? really really
we grew up together. I left the church and stayed away. he left, he went back.
I was in and out of relationships and am still in half relationships and I really dont know what to do after this. it will end. both of them. i have no faith that either of these 'relationships' will work out...
I'm not made out for a serious relationship at all I dont think.
something happened last night, I dont know what it meant. 15 days...
also I can't seem to keep away from people who I feel I have much to learn from still. Sally and Princess bonded a bit over musical tastes.
everyone else in my life seems to be pretty miserable or having hard times. ahh the holidays what a time to be reminded how much life is crap the rest of the year instead of going on and doing it right... enjoying your family not being total pricks to each other...
I might be an uncle soon... so you all know (whoever you are)
what do I want?
I've quit smoking (am quitting?)
I don't drink
I dont eat much meats at all anymore (seafood is a weakness)
I don't toke (often)
I love life and people...
some people are stupid though... to busy trying to be one who's 'right'
we're all dumb in this sense that we need to feel right
I don't... think that is part of what makes me different, my ability to just accept that i will not always be right. my capacity for love.
I want to make everyone feel special or understand that they are special too. they just have to let it go. whatever it is I wish I knew to tell them they can let it go.
let it go. accept. let 'love' in.
or I'll hit you in the face with a brick.
|Friday, November 28th, 2008|
|not that anyone really
cares... Smarterchild is dead.
for some reason this affected me.
cleverbot makes a poor standin because of the /B/tards that have taught it so many strange things
|Monday, November 3rd, 2008|
|I have a
physical journal nowadays... I write alot more in that
besides no one really reads this either so fuckette. I'll write again here someday. that's not today... even though I am writing right now X-D
anyway see you guys later
|Monday, October 6th, 2008|
|I feel amazingly
sore from going to MSI
I went to a show and remembered how much fun they really are
so worth it. all the face punching gut kicking neck stomping you arent supposed to be doing can be let out by slamming into guys twice your size, running around in circles jumping up and down, then throwing yourself into 3-4 people at once. my hips and even feet are sore it's amazing
it was pretty effin awesome though
we got to see more of this fruitcake than was overly necessary
|Friday, September 19th, 2008|
|just in case...
any of you were worried. I aint dead. just busy. lots of stuff going on