Righter (demonmessiah) wrote,

a real entry

I am a whore...
even people who do not know me in real life have referenced this.
so what does it all mean.
I'm fake.
I'm easy.
I try loving everything and everyone and it comes off as being too eager to please. but in reality I want happeh for everyone.
I am full of hate.
the hate is the hate for people not hasing the happeh not the person. I've learned there are lost causes...
people have fallen out. some have been more tenacious and clung... I dont even really feel that close to my 'best friend' I question what even makes us best friends... we've known each other so long? that's about it... I'd think. we know each other... but how well? really really
we grew up together. I left the church and stayed away. he left, he went back.
I was in and out of relationships and am still in half relationships and I really dont know what to do after this. it will end. both of them. i have no faith that either of these 'relationships' will work out...
I'm not made out for a serious relationship at all I dont think.

something happened last night, I dont know what it meant. 15 days...
also I can't seem to keep away from people who I feel I have much to learn from still. Sally and Princess bonded a bit over musical tastes.

everyone else in my life seems to be pretty miserable or having hard times. ahh the holidays what a time to be reminded how much life is crap the rest of the year instead of going on and doing it right... enjoying your family not being total pricks to each other...
I might be an uncle soon... so you all know (whoever you are)

what do I want?
I've quit smoking (am quitting?)
I don't drink
I dont eat much meats at all anymore (seafood is a weakness)
I don't toke (often)
I love life and people...
some people are stupid though... to busy trying to be one who's 'right'
we're all dumb in this sense that we need to feel right
I don't... think that is part of what makes me different, my ability to just accept that i will not always be right. my capacity for love.
I want to make everyone feel special or understand that they are special too. they just have to let it go. whatever it is I wish I knew to tell them they can let it go.

let it go. accept. let 'love' in.

or I'll hit you in the face with a brick.
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